Chuck Norris facts are satirical factoids about martial artist and actor Chuck Norris that have become an Internet phenomenon and as a result have become widespread in popular culture. The facts are normally absurdhyperbolic claims about Norris’s toughness, attitude, virility, sophistication, and masculinity.
1. A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer
2. Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
3. Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
4. Chuck Norris used to beat the crap out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
5. Chuck Norris sleeps once every 2 weeks, for half an hour, standing up, with his eyes open, and he looks pissed off.
6. A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
7. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
8. As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
9. Chuck Norris’s blood type is WD-40.
10. Chuck Norris is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.
11. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
12. Chuck Norris’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
13. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
14. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn’t hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
15. Before sliced bread was invented, people used to say “That’s the greatest thing since Chuck Norris”.
16. Chuck Norris was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.
17. Chuck Norris’s dog is trained to pick up its own poop because Chuck Norris will not take that from anyone.
18. Crop circles are Chuck Norris’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.
19. A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false – no one could survive it the first time.
20. After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said “of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?”
21. He who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.
22. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.
23. Chuck Norris became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants.
24. If Chuck Norris wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.
25. Chuck Norris always asks for the same Christmas gift: A box of Smurfs and a sledgehammer.
26. If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he’ll beat it into you.
27. If you Google search “Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’t happen.
28. Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing their underwear on the outside of their pants.
29. Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
30. If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don’t ask him for his three-hole-punch.
31. Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
32. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds ’til.” After you ask, “Two seconds ’til what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
33. Chuck Norris can eat a rubik’s cube and poop it out solved.
34. Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
35. In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
36. In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck Norris made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
37. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
38. Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
39. If at first you don’t succeed, you must not be Chuck Norris.
40. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
41. In the Words of Julius Caesar, “Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris”. Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face by Chuck Norris.
42. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he’d win. Period.
43. Chuck Norris can speak braille.
44. Industrial logging isn’t the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.
45. Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.
46. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the hell he wants.
47. Chuck Norris does not believe that there are 50 states, only 2, because where ever he goes becomes a State of Emergency and whenever he leaves, he leaves a State of Destruction
48. In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.
49. It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That’s true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.
50. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
51. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”
52. Chuck Norris can predict the shuffle on his iPod.
53. On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.
54. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
55. Chuck Norris invented the hammer when he was tired of using his forehead to slam nails into wood.
56. Fifty years ago, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. The USA still hasn’t fully repaired all of the ensuing damage.
57. Chuck Norris doesn’t have a computer. Just a basement full of Asian kids that memorize numbers.
58. Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
59. Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.
60. Chuck Norris has beaten so many people over his brilliant life that most medical journals now classify him as a laxative.
61. Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
62. People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply… Chuck Norris
63. Chuck Norris is allergic to doorknobs. That’s why he can only kick through doors.
64. Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.
65. Chuck Norris is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.
66. Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
67. Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with “obstruction of justice.” This is because Chuck Norris is justice.
68. Q: How many Chuck Norris’s does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.
69. President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris *carried* his the same distance, but in half the time.
70. Chuck Norris irons his clothes while he’s wearing them.
71. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
72. Circles exist because Chuck Norris beat down some squares.
73. Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.
74. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11…. a suicide.
75. Chuck Norris was born with the right to party. Unlike the rest of us, who have to fight for it.
76. Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
77. The best part of waking up is knowing that Chuck Norris didn’t kill you in your sleep.
78. Sweating bullets is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.
79. Every time someone uses the word “intense”, Chuck Norris always replies “you know what else is intense?” followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
80. Santa Claus actually *did* exist until he accidentally skipped Chuck Norris’s house one Christmas.
81. Some people wear Superman panamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris panamas.
82. The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
83. Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
84. Chuck Norris is the only one who can “try this at home.”
85. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
86. Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.
87. Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
88. When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesn’t lift himself up. He pushes the world down
89. For Chuck Norris, every street is “one way”. His way.
90. The only sure things are Death and Taxes… and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they’ll be the same thing.
91. The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
92. For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.
93. The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.
94. The pen is mightier than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.
95. Hellen Keller’s favourite colour is Chuck Norris.
96. The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
97. Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
98. In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.
99. The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Chuck Norris’s basement was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.
100. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
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